sometimes if someone hints at needing something they know i have, i purposely don't offer it. why can't they just ask instead of trying to convince me it was my idea? i'm not stupid. i am unyielding. they end up asking.
i'm going to be a mom. i still can't get my head around it. someone so small and tender is going to be dependent on me. he's going to call me mommy. aren't i still only 21?
i believe there is such a thing as fat tongue. usually found in bigger people, it's not a lisp, but seemingly that their tongue is also fat and getting in the way of talking. it usually hangs out in view.
i hate those people that think that just because they're married or have kids that they are somehow more superior than their single friends. they're usually boring and you can tell that they're holding their personality in for the sake of..who? their new husband? maybe. i suppose they've only known each other a year. and now they use big words and wave their hands gently back and forth like the queen of england when they talk. can i get you a crumpet, madame? "no, my husband will do that." my husband, my husband... i know your husband's name. i'm not impressed that you have a "my husband". i have one of those too.
i can't stand some single people. am i in the aforementioned condescending group of people? doubt it. i'm still as silly as i've ever been when i want to be. silly and immature are two separate things though, and i can't stand immaturity. not all single people are immature, just as not all marrieds are boring. it's usually the younger ones.... but maybe i am boring. i like to keep to myself, mostly because i'm so shy it's crippling, but i'm also not interested in talking about anything that doesn't matter to me. i feel that i'm in the purgatory of the married and the single. i don't fit in anywhere. sometimes i wish i were a man. they have it so easy. they don't have to talk to each other. they just drink and watch movies. and by the fourth beer, they don't know that they're on wave lengths light years apart.
what depressing thoughts of the day.
As time passes and more and more people i know are having kids and the people they know are having kids, and inevitably having to name the aforementioned kids, i can't help but cringe every time i see a name spelled "uniquely". i'm not talking about unique names like latata or shaquida..those names are a whole other topic reserved for another day. no, i'm referring to the addilynns and jaykobs and aidynns and jaynes. i don't know what compels a parent into making such odd spelling choices for her child. if it wasn't for the overwhelming number of misspelled/uniquely spelled/whatever you want to call it names, i'd think that people just didn't know how to spell. in fact, i just asked mike the other day whether he thought that someone we knew spelled their kid's name differently on purpose or if she didn't know how to spell. Apparently she just wanted to call him by a certain nick-name which only works when you spell the name wrong. why not just go with the nick-name in the first place? Again, a whole other subject for a whole other day. where was i... ah,yes. so, obviously we have a trend here- either name your kid something ridiculous like Apple or Inspektor Pilot(double whammy on Inspektor), or just spell his name with a few extra consonants, or maybe completely strip down the name to have as few letters as possible, and perhaps throw in a Y for fun. That way, when there are seven michaels in the class, your little Mykel can smile a little wider knowing that sure, everyone's name is pronounced exactly like his, really not making his name unique at all, BUT his teacher had to stop a few extra seconds to decipher the foreign-ness of the word, while at the same time wondering what the hell little Mykel's parents were thinking. This is my overall point/question here- why go through such lengths to make such a common name so unique, when it really is not unique when said aloud, just spelled so stupidly that it's only going to be harder for people to read, making your child have to correct person after person? i know how that goes, and it really does get quite annoying after 25 years to have your name be "Tanisha You Spell That T A N I S H A". i wouldn't be surprised if eventually we got to the point where names like "Xavier" is written like this: xGYUBKFier. i have to admit that i mostly love rare-not made up- names, and i understand having to feminize a name that's normally masculine with a Y or something, but when you go to all lengths to have the only Mahree in the state, you're a little on the crazy side.
Oh emotions. I feel the way the grinch must've felt when he turned a depleted speck of a heart into a heart that rivaled that of Mother Teresa's. Not that i am now more generous and loving (please), i'm just more emotional overall and I find myself crying about almost anything. From shedding a tear at commercials feat. mother and child, sobbing instead of laughing when tickled, crying all day from sleep deprivation, and bawling when babies are born on TLC, i don't really know what to do with myself. For someone who doesn't--didn't cry often, this has really been a strange change....
we'll start with the this-only-happens-to-people-on-tv way that we found out about our Bean. We had decided last spring that we were ready(?) to start our little family. The first month i anxiously awaited the end of my cycle, almost certain that when i would take my $20 pregnancy test, it would be positive, because i was feeling particularly pregnant that month. and once it turned positive, i'd leave the test on the back of the toilet where Mike would surely see it and shed a tear as he twirled me in our living room. well... that sure didn't happen. Not that way and not that month, and not the next few months either.
Roll around to November. I finally decided to have wrist surgery, and to my surprise, the surgeon was able to get me in the next Friday. A nurse called me for a pre-surgery interview and asked me the first day of my last cycle, which i accidentally told her was a week later than it actually was. when i realized my mistake, i started to think that it was quite possible that this could be the month, THE month that i finally have a bean to call my own. Being a day before surgery, and 2 days till the end of my cycle, i went into the bathroom and took my dollar store test (something i had resorted to after spending too much on First Responses) and to my not-surprise it was... negative. Negative, just as negative as i was feeling about this whole conception business.
So I went to the hospital the next day. i got undressed, put on the gross paper clothes they give you for surgery, and laid in my gurney waiting to be rolled away to the OR. A nurse eventually walked in and behind her, a man who introduced himself as my anaesthesiologist. after he introduced himself, he stood awkwardly for a second then asked if i was on any meds. i said no, just thinking that he needed to know in case anything didn't mesh with the anaesthesia. then he stood silently for another few seconds and just walked out of the room. I turned to mikey and said "OK...", because the guys seemed like HE was on one too many meds. Then the guy poked his head back in and asked if i was sure that i wasn't on anything. i said, "yeah", almost offended that he thought i wouldn't know whether i was popping pills or not. i started getting a little anxious as well, wondering if the hefeweizen i had the previous night at the New Moon premier was going to affect my surgery. he poked his head back out of the room and i heard him ask a nurse for my chart. he walked back into the room, where at this point i'm thinking the worst of the worsts. he flipped through the pages and reiterated to himself that i was having surgery, then looked and mike and said, " and you're michael..." , then he flipped the pages back over and looked nervously at me and said, "well, your um...urine test came back positive for..." (my brain: alcoholism...cancer...some other chronic illness they can't really find in urine)"...pregnancy". at this point i don't think one of us-me, mike, the 2 nurses, or the doctor was breathing. and i'm certain we all had about the same look on our face, maybe for different reasons. after i got my thoughts together i said about 5 half sentences and then blurted out that my test yesterday came out negative, then he blurted out, "well, it's positive today. so...this is not too big of a surprise?" and i told him that it wasn't really, but it was, and i wanted to tell him about the whole scenario that i had dreamt up, about the toilet seat and the twirling, but i didn't. he said that a blood test would be done to be certain. when it came back positive half an hour later, the results were pretty much all that was said, as i sat there waiting in disbelief for an explanation that i knew didn't exist beyond, "well, when two people are in love..." then i was sent home. as i zombied my way out, a nurse stopped us in the hallway and asked, "so is this a good thing?" and i looked at her, honestly having no idea what she was asking, then it set in and i said, "yes...yes" then kept walking. as we turned the corner past the nurse's station, we had about 6-8 pairs of eyes following us out. i didn't say much on the way home and mike thought that i wasn't excited. but i was. this stuff just didn't happen to people. i saw something like this on The Office, but that was about it.... Needless to say, i got over it.
So i began the journey with my bean. and now it's time to talk about how joyous it has been to have this beautiful baby growing so happily inside of me these past few weeks. but not really. it has been more like an angry little something-horrible, if anything. yes, this wormy speck inside of me was eating away the little energy that i had, leaving me feeling like i had the flu, until the nausea set in. then it felt like the flu from hell. my favorite activity, eating, was ruined as i had to force down anything that wasn't a fruit. then i got sick, with what i was REALLY certain was the flu given to me straight from outer darkness. i had mike take me to instacare, so they could tell me how sick i was and how they were surprised i could even stand. well, turns out the my worm with now stubby arms and legs makes the common cold worse than it really is. i was really starting to wonder why anyone would do this multiple times. i was bloated, hungry-but not, tired, emotional, and SICK. the bean was taking my soul, i was certain of it.
a couple of days later i had my first appointment/ultrasound. i was told that a heartbeat would not be heard until about the 10th week and i was only 8 weeks along, so i was just hoping for a look at the heart. i put my legs up in the stirrups (something i need to get used to a little more) and waited for the doctor to find the bean. i held my breath the whole time i watched the static on the screen thinking, "i know my uterus isn't that big, he should have found something by now..."
and just when i was about to accept that there might not be something in there accounting for these last 4 weeks of inexplicable suffering, he found it. we looked on as it wiggled around in it's small womb, and he showed us the flashing light on its chest, the heart. i was ecstatic, knowing that i was more excited than i could ever be about anything until he said, "let's see if we can hear it" and turned on the sound before i could even respond, surprising me with a thunderous heartbeat, strong and beating at 167 bpm. it was the most beautiful sound i have ever heard. and my alien bean, at around an inch long was the most beautiful speck of life i've ever seen.
so there it is, the story of my journey with the Bean so far. and there's still 7 more months to go! thanks for all of your congratulations, they were much appreciated.
It was something like being Punk'd except no Ashton to tell me that it was going to be alright and that he would pay for my damages. I was just lucky enough to have to deal with some crooked insurance adjusters. So here's the deal- Some crazy ass mo fo decided to ram into the back of my 8 month old Scion TC and ruin my life up until this point and a few more months to come. I'm over it. But not really because it has spun us into the most inconvenient series of events that we were not ready for, such as : having to rent a car for 10 days that i could barely drive for the first little while because of the 4 painkillers i was on, then the long process of buying a new car with a ridiculous car payment, missing work/desperately needed monies for aforementioned ridiculous car payment, mike having to do dishes which...well, enough said. So here i am now driving my new race car around with a shiny red cast and an ever-aching shoulder. life.is.good.
This weekend I dreamt the most *fabulous* dream in which Adam Lambert, my then (and now) gay boyfriend, turned straight! It took a lot of persistence on my part, and some tears if i'm remembering correctly... but i got him to do what years of electro-shock therapy in certain sects couldn't do for other boys. yeeeeowch. ah, i shouldn't have gone there. that's another subject of bigotry for another day. anyway, for some reason, i have some kind of--what do they call it-- conscience when i dream that severely inhibits any guilt-free pleasure that i should have slash can't convince myself that i'm entitled to. So. needless to say, it was somewhere in between PG and a weak PG-13, but i don't care, it was still a great dream. Speaking of non-existent/never-could-exist romances (i know i'm married! happily!)I just saw 17 again which stars my new young boyfriend Zac Efron. straight yes, but young. side note: i say young because when a guy is two years younger than you, it's really like 5 years with the maturity difference, especially in your early 20's. So many tangents...aaaanyway, I've never seen any of those high school whatever movies and when i saw him in hairspray, i thought he was cute, but didn't know what they hype was about. well. now that i've seen 17 again, i can't help but call him my new boyfriend #1. And the thing is, and i'm being completely unbiased when i say this, i think the kid can actually act. he wasn't given much of a chance with the other movies he's been in, but the angry face...ooooh. and those tears...wow. yep, boyfriend numero uno. I just felt the urge to share my superficial feeling with those of you who most likely don't care. and though i'm glad Mike never reads this, I would like to throw out there that he is completely aware of my different boyfriends/husbands, namely: Butch Walker, Adam Lambert, The Other Guy/James Marsden, Gerard Butler, Zac Efron, Tom Welling/Smallville Superman, Christopher Reeve (pre-sucking spinal fluid out of fetuses on South Park), Robert Pattinson, and last but not least, my bug-eyed and awkward Conor Oberst.
Now, i've tried so hard over the years to let go of stupid spelling errors that people make here or there or hear or their. yes! i am a spelling snob but i just can't handle it anymore. i don't understand how people expect to be taken seriously when they can't differentiate the spelling of two words as well as my 7 year old cousin can. i'm not claiming that i'm perfect. i admit, in the heat of the moment when i'm typing furiously away (like now..so please disregard any errors) i'll do a little aprecciate nonsense here or there. it's normal. for those of you who are lost, it's a double P not double C. and you know what, i completely understand that there are people out there who just don't get it. can't spell, try really hard, and just can't do it. fine. but when i see joe blow who thinks he's so h-o-double-t in his pimped out sports car speeding down the freeway with a license plate that says "hunngar" instead of "en garde"--the actual french phrase that most of the e.you.es.aiy can't pronounce correctly--i get really irritated. which school system are my tax dollars actually going to? don't you think on something that permanent you would double check with something or someone, and i'm not talking about the 47 year old woman who's been working at the DMV her whole life with one tooth. i'm talking wikipedia...a dictionary..an encyclopedia...i don't know, SOMETHING valid! speaking of sources, i think what we have to blame is spell check. you always hear people saying, "spell check is my friend". well, for those of us who make dumb little mistakes, yes, it is our friend. but for those of you hoo cant spel a lic and just go along and rite an entyre esé like dis then just run through spell check at the end, you're not helping yourself. here's another classic i ran into today- some kid on facebook commented on my friend's status and asked, "is that a ufamism?" seriously? it even looks wrong. my poor friend had no idea what he was talking about and why should she? it's a long cry from euphemism. did i spell that right? i don't know, but it's better than that random line of letters. i wanted to say something to him, like...i don't know. if i could think of something good i might've said it. that was anti-climactic. sorry. anyway, last but not least, a couple of months ago, i was watching fox news and they did a segment on "caffine". really? can i please be editor of the ugly blue screen before news segments and make a lot more money than i do now because you have some idiot who can't spell editing?
aaaaahhhhhh!!!!! dfhusdfs dfsd... ok, i think i got it all out. and i hope none of this applies to any of you because i think i have a lot of smart friends, and no, i'm not saying that spelling well makes you any brighter than the next person...sigh... just keep spell checking, people.